Yom Kippur and the Jewish Act of Teshuva

Must There Be an Apology Before There Can Be Reconciliation?

Sep 27, 2009
Jan Lee

Jews praying in the synagogue on Yom Kippur - Maurycy Gottlieb; Tel Aviv Museum of Art (Public Domain)

At Yom Kippur, Jews ask for forgiveness for hurting others; but is there a responsibility for the injured to promote reconciliation, too?

At Yom Kippur, Jews recognize a process called “teshuva,” in which a person repents for wrongdoings he or she committed during the past year(s).

The Hebrew expression literally means “return,” and signifies the first stage of a reconciliation process. Teshuva can entail repentance for sins committed against another person, or against G-d*.

Jewish Law and the Steps of Teshuva

There is a four-step process for attaining teshuva:

Confess the wrongdoing;
Repent for one’s actions;
Offer a sincere apology for the action, and;
Make a firm commitment to never commit the transgression again.

In Judaism, Forgiveness Comes from the Victim, Not From G-d

Jews are reminded leading up to the Day of Atonement that for transgressions against other people, they must seek forgiveness from the person he or she has aggrieved. Going to synagogue to ask for G-d’s forgiveness will not absolve transgressions against other people without this initial effort.

It is for this reason that many Jews make an effort during the High Holy Days to apologize to their families and friends for offenses they may have committed. Their efforts to “clean the slate” of any misdeeds and mistakes during this time is not coincidental in wording; the Yom Kippur liturgy states that all of one’s transgressions are written down by G-d at this time of the year, just as are all of one’s meritorious deeds.

Responsibilities of the Victim - According to Jewish Law

But what are the responsibilities of the victim? What if the person who has been slighted or hurt doesn’t want to accept an apology?

The 12th century French-Jewish scholar, Rashi stated that the aggrieved is obligated to accept the sincere apology. “(If) if a person asks you for forgiveness, you should not be cruel and refrain from forgiving,” wrote Rashi.

The Spanish scholar Maimonides, who also lived during the 12th century, expounded further in his Laws of Moral Conduct (6.6), saying, "When one person sins against another, he should not hide the matter and remain silent... rather, it is a mitzvah for him to bring the matter into the open and say, 'Why did you do such and such to me?' ...And if the person [who sinned] returns and asks him for forgiveness, then he should forgive, for the forgiver should not be cruel..."

Famous Acts of Reconciliation

There have also been stories of individuals who have made extraordinary efforts to bring about reconciliation with others themselves.

In 1999 Conductor Zubin Mehta led the Bavarian State Orchestra and Israel Philharmonic Orchestra in an unusual joint performance a few miles from the WWII concentration camp of Buchenwald. The performance was presented before the descendants of German families who had grown up in the nearby city of Weimar, a central location during the Holocaust ( the Shoah).
Nelson Mandela, upon his inauguration as President of South Africa in 1994, invited as special guests, the prison guards that had served as his jailers during his 27 years of incarceration. His actions spoke volumes about the potential legacy of reconciliation. Mandela is credited with serving as the country’s bridge to racial peace.
In 1997, Dianna Dunken Rowe, a descendant of the 15th-century theologian Martin Luther, wrote to synagogues across the United States to offer a formal apology for statements Luther had made about Jews 500 years earlier and were later used by Hitler as justification for the Shoah (Holocaust). Her petition entailed handwritten notes to 4,000 rabbis. It was explained to her by several rabbis that according to Jewish law, only the person who has perpetrated the hurtful action is considered responsible for seeking forgiveness, and only the person who has been harmed can grant forgiveness. But her act was nonetheless considered a remarkable measure of human compassion.

* The use of "G-d" with the "o" removed is intentional. This is performed in order to prevent any intentional or unintentional deletion/destruction of His name, as is customary in traditional Jewish writings.

Readers may also enjoy Online Jewish Community Services and Judaism's Ancient Hebrew Calendar.

Sources: